Nothing to lose
by lilmisblack
Summary: Why couldn’t I just tell him the truth? Why couldn’t I tell him how much I’d missed him, tell him I couldn’t forget him, that I hadn’t even tried? SSHG Oneshot


Thankfully, the song ended and I gently let go of Ron, my hands trailing down his chest as he stepped back. Telling me he wanted a drink, he made way through the crowd, and I followed him back to the bar. My eyes, however, kept darting to the same dark corner, to its almost hidden occupant.

I had felt him, more than seen him, the moment he had stepped into the room, imposing as always, his dark robes billowing as he moved, his dark eyes searching the crowd, and like a coward, I had looked away before our eyes met.

Knowing how much he hated this kind of reunion, a sad smile formed on my lips as I remembered how he always went out of his way to avoid assisting. How could he not attend that party? It was the third anniversary of Voldemort's defeat, of the end of the war, and everyone had to be there.

It had been over a year since the last time I'd seen him, and still I could feel my heart beat faster and my breath catch, every single time my eyes searched the dark corner, wondering if he was looking back at me. I would never have thought he would still have such a strong effect on me, after so long, but my body's reaction left no doubt.

I knew Ron was talking to me, and I forced my body to turn to him, smiling and nodding as if I'd been listening to him all along, but I just couldn't concentrate on my old friend, on what he was saying.

A few minutes passed, some more friends joined the conversation, and someone took my hand. I felt my heart skip a beat as I turned around, only to find Harry with a broad smile on his face. Without even asking, he walked me back to the dance floor.

Finding a not too crowded spot, I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling his hands rest on my hips, both moving to the slow music.

"Are you all right?" he asked me, after a few minutes.

"Sure," was all I could answer, forcing a smile on my lips but avoiding his eyes. Images of the beautiful days and heated nights spent with Severus so long ago flooded my mind, and it was all I could do to stop the tears forming in my eyes. I had forbidden myself to think about it long ago, and self-control usually worked wonders, but not now, not with him standing in the very same room.

"You seem a bit distracted," Harry whispered by my ear, and instead of answering, I tightened my arms around him, resting my head on his shoulders and closing my eyes. He knew me so well, could always tell when something was bothering me, and I loved him for it. Soon, the song ended, but he still held me close for a few more moments, clearly worried. "Do you want to go home?" he asked as he let go, his eyes searching my face, trying to decipher what was wrong.

"No, I'm fine; I just need a bit of fresh air."

"Want me to go with you?" he asked, still concerned, and this time the smile I gave him was real.

"No, you go back to your girl, I think she's getting jealous," I teased, making him laugh.

"All right. If you want to leave, or talk, just let me know, ok?"

"I will," I answered, and watched him leave.

I needed to be alone, needed to sort my thoughts and feeling out, or bury them again; I just couldn't decide which one yet. Hoping none of my friends would notice I slowly made my way out of the house, into the small back garden.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I muttered, stopping on my tracks as I noticed someone else standing there. "I didn't think I'd find anyone here." I saw the figure stiffen, and slowly turn around.

"You know how much I hate crowds," the figure said, and I felt my legs go weak as I recognized the voice.

"Severus," I whispered, my voice barely audible, but he heard me and took a few steps closer to me.

"It's been a long time."

"Yes," was all I could reply. He looked exactly like the last time I'd seen him, that night, in my apartment. I felt all those memories come back with a vengeance, him standing by the door, telling me it was over, that we were just fooling ourselves thinking it could last, and that I should accept the offer I'd received from Bulgaria the week before for my apprenticeship with Durmstrang's charms teacher.

"I didn't know you were back," he said, bringing me back to reality. I felt my eyes prickle, but I refused to let him see it. I would be strong; I knew I could do it. I wouldn't let him see how hurt I still was.

"I just got here a few days ago," I said, proud to notice my voice sounded rather strong.

"Have you finished your apprenticeship then?"

"Yes."

"And are you planning on staying here?" he asked, taking another step closer, so that his face was in the dark again.

"I applied for a job at the Ministry, so if they accept me, I will."

"And how is everything?" he asked.

"Great, everything is great," I lied. Why couldn't I just tell him the truth? Why couldn't I tell him how much I'd missed him, tell him I couldn't forget him, that I hadn't even tried? "And you?" I asked, weakly.

"Same as usual," he simply answered. "I saw you dancing with your Bulgarian friend in there," he said after a few moments.

"Viktor?" I asked, and he nodded. "Yes, he insisted I should dance with him. He will be staying here with me for a few months," I said, knowing full well how it sounded. I wanted him to think I was with Viktor, wanted him to believe I had moved on, that I didn't need him in my life to be happy. And most of all, I wanted to see the look on his face, wanted to be sure he really didn't care, no matter how much it hurt me. I did see something, but it's hard to be sure in the darkness. I could have sworn there was something in his eyes, but it was gone before I could be certain.

"I see. Well, I'm glad for you."

"You are?" I asked, not sure what I wanted him to answer.

"Of course. It's good to know you are doing all right."

"I am," I repeated, trying to convince myself it was the truth.

How much I longed to touch him again, to feel his strong arms around me, holding me close to him. How I wished we could spend hours sitting by the fire, discussing potions, charms, politics, anything and everything, like we used to.

I had been the one by his side, night and day, nursing him back to health after the war. I had helped other patients too, but most of my time I spent by his side. At first, it was because I felt guilty; guilty for the way we had treated him, thinking him a traitor, when he was actually sacrificing everything to help us. Then, I had stayed because fighting him felt good; as soon as he regained consciousness, he had tried to get me to leave, with mean comments I no longer found hurtful, but amusing. I noticed all the fighting was good for him; he was recovering faster, if only just to get away from me.

I could tell he was amused by me as well; by the way I wouldn't let him frighten me, how I would fight back every single time. I had forced him out as soon as he was able to move, taking him outside for walks he hated, constantly complaining because the sun hurt his eyes, or because the other patients were nothing but blabbering idiots, speaking too loud, or talking about things they didn't know or understand. I had tried to make it easy for him, offering some intelligent conversation, and little by little, we had gotten closer, if only because I was the only one around him.

I was never sure what happened to change the situation, from simply respecting each other, enjoying our time together, to something else, but it had happened, and like a fool, I had fallen completely in love with him. I should have known it would never end well.

We had been together for a few months, even gone out in public, Ron and Harry finally starting to accept the relationship, although they still thought I had gone completely insane, when I received the letter.

Flitwick already had an apprentice, so I had sent a few letters to other schools, and after months of waiting, I finally got a response. The letter was, of course, from Durmstrang, and not only did they accept me as an apprentice, but, having talked to McGonagall, they would also allow me to teach the first years. I was really excited, though I did realize the distance would be a problem. I told Severus about the letter then, told him what they offered me if I moved to Bulgaria. He had been shocked at first, but then had congratulated me, telling me I deserved the opportunity.

Things had changed between us then. Even when I was busy arranging everything for the trip and trying to get permission from the Ministry to create international Portkeys, so that we could visit each other, I had noticed him acting differently. It wasn't as if he was avoiding me, not really, but he seemed more distant every time we were together. Then one night, just two days before I was to leave to Bulgaria, he had dumped me. Deep down, I think I knew why he was doing it. He wanted me to be free, to make my own decisions. He didn't want to become a burden, so he made the decision for both of us.

Of course, those were not the reasons he gave me. He just told me it was over, and then left. I felt like a fool, making plans for a future together when the truth was, he didn't want me. I couldn't believe it was really happening. I had always been careful who I let in, always afraid I would get hurt, and when I finally lowered my defences, when I opened myself to someone, he just broke my heart, made me feel like he had never cared. After all this time, I thought I was over him, but I was just fooling myself.

"Well, it's been good to see you," he told me, and my eyes focused again on him.

"It's been good to see you too," I said, forcing another fake smile on my face. I hoped he couldn't see through the lies.

"Take care," he said, smiling slightly for the first time since we started talking. I couldn't even bring myself to answer.

Rooted to the spot, I watched him turn around, his back to me as he walked to the edge of the garden, trying to get far enough from the house so he could Apparate away.

I had two choices, I could either stay were I was, let him go and finally move on, or I could run after him. I was never good at this, at opening my heart, at talking about my feelings, and that was something we had in common, but this time I just couldn't let him leave. Not again, not without a fight. I had to tell him the truth, even if that meant making a fool of myself. There was nothing left to lose, so I decided to run.

"I'm not," I almost shouted, and watched him stop just as he was ready to Apparate. I saw his shoulders drop, and slowly, very slowly, he turned around. I could only see his figure, his shape in the dark, so I moved closer still, stopping just a few feet from where he was standing.

"You are not what?" he asked, almost in a whisper.

"I'm not alright," I said, my voice breaking slightly. "I've missed you so much," I told him; I just had to get it out. He opened his mouth to say something, but I raised my hand to stop him. "I can't move on, I can't forget you, and I don't want to. I can't let you walk away, not again." So that was it, I had made my move; the next was up to him.

I felt like my heart was about to break my chest, as I waited for him to make his decision. His eyes were on mine, his expression unreadable as he simply looked at me, making me feel like he was watching my very soul.

There was nothing else I could do; only wait knowing that, one way or the other, everything would change. If he still didn't want me, then it was the end. I would force myself to move on, I would go back to the party, to Viktor, and do my best to be happy without him, but if he did want me, if he missed me like I missed him… I didn't dare think of the possibility, not until I was sure he would chose me.

Then he moved, he took a single step closer to me, and parted his lips. I was so sure he would tell me to move on, that he already had, and I should do the same, but no words left his lips. I felt the tears in my eyes as I waited, and as the first one fell, he leaned closer, his lips just inches from mine, and I knew I had made the right decision.

* * *

I had promised myself I wouldn't write any more SSHG until I was done with Saving your Life, but this idea kept bugging me, and it wouldn't stop until I wrote this.

The fic is based on a BEAUTIFUL song, called Nada que perder (Nothing to Lose), by Conchita. If you want to hear the song , you can find the it at www. youtube . com/watch?vvMTzma2vF0 The video is kind of crappy, but the song is great (if you want to know what it says, just let me know and I'll e-mail you a translation)

Well, I really really hope you liked the fic, I am so nervous about it! Please, leave a review to let me know what you think, you know how much I love them. :D


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